This relates directly to previous blogs concerning depression, masks, and a couple of others. As I've said before - everything is linked.
So I thought I'd cover a little bit about me personally, and something that's known as 'high functioning mental illness'. This can cover depression, anxiety, or a cocktail of both of those with a splash of a few other symptoms. It can vary person to person as can most mental health issues. It's often seen as just a modern day buzz-phrase for what's known as mild depression but it is slightly more complex than that.
For me personally I refer back to earlier blogs where I've briskly covered more severe breakdowns. High functioning depression feels like the last few drops after the storm of something more serious. In a perverse way it sometimes feels like a relief (not when I'm going through it - I mean on reflection) because it's maybe not as serious as some of the tougher and more frightening challenges I've faced. But it is one of those things that left unchecked can catch me out. It links back to where I've discussed masks and depression as a whole, and is definitely related to coping strategies.
With this ailment and depression in general what you see isn’t always what you get. I work hard, and I suppose on paper I've had a successful career (although I fucking hate it, but I'll go over that another time). I've worked through the ranks in each job I've had, I 'get shit done' around the home and so on, and appear at least on the outside to be moving along just fine. It is a term used clinically to describe those who are doing well either academically or professionally and on the outside have a decent outlook on life.
That in itself is where issues can arise. People who appear to be functioning well might think that they shouldn't feel depressed/anxious at all. If everything is going ok, then what reason or right do they have to feel depressed? This is where the depression lies to you and creeps up on you. Because on the inside there is constantly something eating away at you, and it can easily fly under the radar of a successful and outwardly content individual.
For me, this is one side of depression that doesn't get talked about an awful lot. More often than not I can get everything done, quicker and
better than many others at work. I work quickly, efficiently and accurately. That relates to my employment and my home life. Some days it's like the world is singing to my tune. My social engagements improve in quantity and quality, I'm 'around' more. But just as often, I disappear and cease to
exist for brief periods of time here and there.
Now, that does sound on reflection like a lot of excuses. They aren't. I'll hold my hands up and say quite often I simply can't be arsed doing stuff. Sometimes I genuinely feel content chilling at home or being alone in the gym and it's not down to any particular ailment. It is a difficult balancing act with one's psyche, trying to work out where the illness ends and where the person begins.
On the outside you maybe seem a bit tired, fed up or 'mardy' and so it's very hard to distinguish between those feelings and going through a bout of high-functioning depression. There aren't any major disruptions to normal life and as said before you carry on working and so on and people tend not to realize that you are suffering inside. The mask you've worn for years may begin to crack a bit, but not enough for anyone on the outside to raise serious alarm.
It is difficult to know if someone is going through high functioning depression or similar. As I said for me it's sometimes a relief and a reminder of far more serious bouts of depression and so on that I've gone through before. A relief because personally, I know that it isn't the worst Ive gone through nor will I go through certain instances again.
I just wanted to add this last bit in here as it's been playing on my mind and it needs mentioning: I don't need carers or for you loyal readers to check up on me all the time. Once in a while would be nice but that's true for all of us isn't it? None of this blogging is a cry for help. To be brutally honest I have gone through the worst stages of mental illness imaginable and I have largely helped myself. I did have the help of a good few excellent professionals, and 3 or 4 people very close to me also helped in more ways than I can ever pay back - you know who you are. But in the darkest, blackest times it was me and a stranger in the mirror. Maybe that's because at times I was too ashamed to speak out, too beaten by the stigma, too embarrassed or too proud. And, unfortunately, maybe people weren't there when I needed them to be.
It is what it is.
To anyone who does need to vent, who doesn't have the coping strategies in place, then reach out. If you don't even think you're going through any of the above then still reach out
What was it that bloke said? It's good to talk.
