Crash and Burn...

I mentioned somewhere else that this is a 'warts and all' blog. This entry is no different.

This is a bit of a companion piece to an earlier entry entitled "Outta Nowhere...", feel free to have a read of that one here via the menu on the right.

What I discussed in that entry is how certain bad feelings, thoughts and so on can just crop up out of the blue at certain times and cause negative thoughts, and heighten existing issues and generally ruin your day. What I want to blog about today is the more extreme end of that scale, when you hit rock bottom and somehow keep plummeting with no end in sight.

Relapse is a word that is used in many different ways in a variety of contexts. It is a cold, clinical, matter of fact word. It is defined as "the deterioration of a patient's condition after a partial recovery". This is why when talking about mental health it's a bit of an odd word for me. Does having a relapse mean I was at one point partially recovered? Or that there were times where I've been better and/or worse than this current point? For such a finite sounding word it's very fluid.

That's probably why it's a word that on a personal level can be hard to accept, when applied to mental illness. It makes it sound as if we're going backwards. That progress has been stopped or reversed. It's not a word we use every day. "I'm back in the shit again" sounds much less clinical. But a relapse, being totally honest, is exactly what it is.

If you refer to the blog I linked at the top, the things I've described in there are blips, as opposed to a real relapse. A relapse for me means a meltdown. It doesn't happen very often these days, thankfully, as I generally manage things pretty well. But I guess sometimes we build up such good defences or 'mental blocks' to our triggers that we can no longer spot them or react to them. This is both good and bad. Good in the sense that we're not constantly on edge, but bad because all it takes is a number of triggers to set you on a downward spiral. If you then ignore the familiar warning signs you'll plummet. Then there's a final few chances to listen to that alarm bell and acknowledge it and stop the fall.

For some reason it always happens to me after a decent period of positivity. Things are going well, life is good. So I think it's related to letting my defences down. I get too comfortable and ignore my usual coping strategies and management. And then, over the space of a couple of weeks at the most........
........ I can almost see the downward slope happening but don't think too much of it until it's too late. I can no longer do the things I enjoy and have to shut myself off from the world. Eating well stops. Sleeping well stops. Physical activity stops. Anything I usually get enjoyment from stops. I cease socialising with the few people left who make the effort to be social. Before I know it I'm free-falling in my mind. I keep working because I'm fucking brilliant at wearing that mask. But everything else is starting to wobble. I'm tense, anxious, depressed, restless. I can't sleep properly which just makes everything worse and makes me feel irritable. My moods are swinging back and forth like a pendulum. In my minds eye I can see all sorts of traumatic and horrifyingly intrusive thoughts. My mind is racing and I start to question what's real. Did anyone else hear that person scream 'fuck you' into my ear or was it just me? I have outbursts of anger. I start to self harm (which is new) to try to refocus my mind. It doesn't work so I withdraw more. I lose interest in everything, including living. My body starts to get tired, when I'm walking back from the shops I can feel my legs going to jelly. My energy is going and I'm glad. I've had enough now so I go back several years to when I'd plan how to kill myself. I'm done. I may as well never have had any counselling or therapy. I tell myself I've relapsed into total despair and now I'm really fucked so I may as well give up. I'm having severe, brain melting migraines and the lines between what's real and what isn't begin to overlap.

Somehow I sensibly decide to limit the stimuli I'm giving my brain so I take a step back from social media and take it easy for a few days. I don't see anyone, go to any social events, or do anything major. I've pressed the reset button, and thankfully ignore the self destruct button next to it. I feel shit, run down and I've got a cold from somewhere. But I can think straight again. I'm alive. And I'm swimming upwards as opposed to drowning.

I don't know how and I don't know why we are able to turn it around, and I can't tell you what to do if and when you have a relapse. I guess it's the fight or flight response. I think relapsing is relatively normal although there are several degrees of severity, and it's not a sign of failure or weakness. It's what we do when we're right in the thick of it that counts.

Mental illness is unique in that you can't always see or physically feel it. It's usually a very solitary and lonely experience, and fighting it is often done on your own which is exhausting.

In my head there is a room called Hell with my name on it, and every now and then I have to pass through it. If and when it happens to you, somehow you've just got to find the strength to keep fighting, and remember what to look out for next time.