So in keeping with my promise of trying to do more posts and more often, here's another one.
This is a difficult and very personal post. I’ve toyed with this
one a few times as on some social media platforms I’m sharing this blog
directly to friends and family, and letting my guard down so much is always
difficult. But it’s something I need to do. So I’ll apologise in advance if any
close friends feel confused by any of this. If it’s too complex, simply remember the
phrase “putting a brave face on”.
When people talk about masks what do you initially imagine? The
Jim Carrey film? Anonymous protestors wearing the V mask? The Scream films?
What I’m going to discuss here are the psychological masks that we wear to hide
ourselves.
The reality is we all wear masks. People with a catalogue of
mental health issues past and present wear masks, just like those
without certain issues will put a mask on every now and then. For example say
you’re going for a job interview for senior position, you’ll put on your
‘authoritative face’ so as to get the job. There are a lot of similar examples
that everyone can relate to on some level. But mental health masks have much
deeper meaning and in my experience can also be quite damaging. The masks I
wear hide pain, discomfort and hurt. The number of masks can vary person to
person depending on the severity and duration of the issue they’ve experienced/are
experiencing. In some severe cases living your entire life behind a mask gives
way to much more serious mental health issues like personality disorders and so
on, things I’ve experienced thankfully in brief and private moments (I refer
you back to an earlier post about the confusion that used to come from looking
in the mirror).
Masks are defensive devices that we make to hide or block out
trauma, memories and fear. You can go a lifetime wearing various masks in
various situations and only ‘taking the mask off’ when you’re happy to let your
guard down. I’m in my early 30s now and I’ve spent the majority of my life
wearing a mask in front of partners, another for friends, another in front of
family, and another in front of colleagues and so on. We’ve all seen certain
motivational posts on social media saying something like “you don’t know the
battle someone else is going through”, that is essentially saying you won’t see
beyond someone’s mask unless they want you to. Only recently I’ve been more
‘myself’ with my partner and family and I'm beginning to do that in the rest of my life too. Albeit slowly.
I became an absolute master at wearing a mask a long time ago. I’d
be the mysterious one in certain years at school that you wouldn’t mess with.
I’d be the clown in later years. At work I’d be the outspoken no bullshit one,
and with mates I’d sway from being the decision maker and organiser to being
the group drunk. Basically – never myself. Giving someone the encouragement, or
encouraging yourself, to show what lies behind the mask is incredibly
important. The person probably won’t feel
completely at ease to do that and is sometimes reliant on another to provide
the opportunity for what lies behind the mask to emerge. With a bit of patience,
the individual who wears the mask can begin to realise what he/she has to offer
the world by being their true self. There are enormous benefits to being your true self, you're life shouldn't be lived behind a mask. I know this as
through writing these blogs I’m being more open and removing mask after mask
after mask
You should always keep some of yourself back for yourself. That is to say - don't give 100% of your life to others. Keep some back for you, keep your guard up a little every now and then. But don't hide behind the mask of someone who isn't you. It can, and will destroy lives. I know this from personal experience. The mask becomes you, that becomes your real face. To the point where you're looking in the mirror and not knowing who you are, which links into personality issues and dissociative disorders. To the point where every single person you pretend to be for every situation ends up becoming tangled up in a web of confusion. You're essentially lying to yourself about yourself.
Do yourself a favour, learn to take off the mask.
And do someone else a favour - let them know it's ok to do so.
Final comment, this poem has been around since the 60s and I’ve found a
few sources claiming it as their own. I’ll share it here without sourcing as there are a few claimed sources out there.
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
