So then, another post several weeks after my last post, in which I suggested trying to make this weekly. Again.
This time in a vain attempt to be hip/trendy/woke/on point I have been inspired by one of the infinite Internet crazes of the past couple of years. You
will notice that this blog post is entitled Outta Nowhere, thanks to John Cena. Do not adjust your sets.
Essentially this is another blog post whereby it does what it says
on the tin. This is about those feelings that can sometimes come
completely out of nowhere and catch you off guard. It is also
one of those quickfire posts that I've written up pretty quickly, so I might appear to be rambling a little here and there. Not for the first time I'm sure.
This is more about me just
venting my frustration about my mental health. This is not necessarily a blog post about sadness and tears, or anger and broken doors, it is simply about how pissed off certain
issues make me when they come out of nowhere when everything seems to be
going pretty ok. Which, in truth is how I've generally been - ok. That's perfectly acceptable of course; work is productive if unfulfilling. Home life is ok, family are ok, friends are ok. Generally speaking I'm
enjoying socializing a bit more and I'm trying to make more of a conscious effort to be less of a hermit, and that's thanks in no small part to a renewed interest in a local car club, getting back into fitness again, and thanks in a big way to my love of my martial arts club.
However when all seems to be going ok is often when I can be caught out. For example I'll be going about my job in the usual way, going from customer appointment to customer appointment driving up and down endless stretches of road and all of a sudden there's a little dark cloud, a dark thought, that suggests all is actually not ok, and maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to
put the cruise control on, turn the speed up, close my eyes and fuck the rest. You can't pinpoint exactly what's caused this downward slide, and although there's an obvious source (one day I'll get to writing about that) but there's no specific event on that day that's caused it. It is
just this thing that's inside you and the darkness pops up and
rears its ugly head every now and then.
This is why coping mechanisms are
so important, this is why management is so important and why from my point of view it's equally
important to realise there is no cure. There's no magic pill, there's no off switch, there is no getting better and there
is no healing. Realistically it is all about management coupled with coping and that's it. Once those techniques or strategies fail, or if you let your guard down you hit a low and as the title suggests it comes
out of nowhere. The signs are usually there - the random nightmares that make you jump out of bed and wake your partner up (even thought you can't remember the content), the grogginess in the mornings due to unsettled sleep, the heightened anxiety, the short temper and frustration at everything, and a general decrease in your demeanor towards all around you. At first you'll be snappy, then moody and withdrawn and short tempered at the smallest things. A sense of dread, defeat and a wave of apathy towards all things will wash over you like waves. It might only happen for a few minutes every now and then but as it increases and builds up without you doing something about it you will very quickly find yourself in a downward spiral.
It's odd really how it all then seems so surprising when you hit the bottom, considering all of the familiar signs kept popping up over the course of days or weeks. I see that as letting my guard down. Forgetting to look for those signs, forgetting techniques counsellors and therapists and fellow mental health people have discussed back and forth, and ignoring the things I know to look out for.
What happens once you approach the bottom however is important, as it is another opportunity to stop the free fall, before you reach the subject matter covered in another page on here entitled World Suicide Prevention Day. The clue is in the title. Once the depression/panic/anxiety manifests itself there's still time to sort yourself out before things get really bad. Whether it's a specific thing you keep in a metaphorical box in your head, or something else, there's time to close the box/vault depending on how you visualise it.
What's important at this stage is to admit temporary defeat. It will happen, you will have bad days whereby things just creep up on you and catch you out and you'll feel shit. Hold your hands up and admit you've had a slip, you're only human after all. You've been here before, you will be here again, but you can dig yourself out of it and get back on the upwards slope.
