I wanted to get something down sooner, obviously 'World Suicide Prevention Day' was a day or so ago now (depending on where you are) but one thing or another got on top of me so I didn't get the chance.
Anyhow, a little about the day itself. Globally the figures for suicide and suicide attempts are staggering. 800,000 people take their own lives every year, with 65,000 further attempts (http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs398/en/). It affects everyone, from all walks of life.
Chances are in this day and age you've either lost someone to suicide that you know directly or through association, maybe also like me you've stood at the edge yourself.
That in itself (aside from the obvious) is why things like WSPD are so important. Personally I saw suicide as my only way out, the most efficient and effective way of ending the suffering that my mental health was causing me. I was getting little to no help from my local health authority and at that time hadn't found a suitable private therapist that I could afford. I don't even know if therapy would have helped, during the times I felt suicidal I was reeling from a series of shocking childhood memories that my brain was struggling to deal with. I'd also not opened up to my friends and family and wasn't always getting the support I needed at home for complex reasons.
I'm a bloke, if I open up to friends and family would they see me as weak? Would they think less of me as a man? Guys aren't supposed to think like this, right?
But the fact of the matter is that men between 20 and 49 are more likely to die from suicide than ANYTHING else. Our quality of life is seemingly better than it has been for a long time. Illnesses and ailments are being beaten by modern medicine. We're more socially connected than ever before. But this problem is not going away, because we don't talk about it. People call it the easy way out, people don't like to get to the root cause of why someone would want to take their own life. It's a taboo subject, not something discussed. A sign of weakness and fragility. People shy away from the subject as if it's a contagious disease.
Say I break my leg - cue tens of well wishing messages, cards, gifts, offers of help etc.
I'm depressed and suicidal - nobody knows what to do or say, and want to avoid the subject.
Before venting on here, social media, seeing counsellors and opening up to my family I struggled for a long time.
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I'd go for long walks late at night, looking for buildings to jump off or waiting for a big enough truck to pass that I knew would make sure of it. I never tried to cut myself, it was more a case of running through everything in my mind - meticulously. I'd plan down to the finest details; where, how, what time, what I'd have in my pockets, which way I'd face, what I wanted the weather to be like - every minute detail.
After attempts to take my own life by hanging (cord snapped, belts broke, rope not long enough), strangling and so on (stopped by my partner) it culminated in the most surreal attempt I can think of. I was suffering from 'blow ups', meaning because my emotions and mental state were in such a mess that the slightest hint of being antagonised would send me into a blind rage. I had my 'normal person' mask on at work and in social situations.
Inside the comfort of my home I'd occasionally become a monster. I'd let my guard down and stop pretending to be someone else, stop pretending to be normal. I'd be hyper emotional, everything would stream out of me and I would have 'de-realisation' episodes whereby I'd lose sense of what was real, who I was, where I was. I'd end up throwing things, screaming, shouting, hyper. When I'd finished I'd become absolutely exhausted. Each flare up would last maybe 20 minutes or something but I'd feel like I'd ran a marathon. I'd fall into a massively depressed, hopeless suicidal mess sat sobbing in a corner not understanding at that point what was happening to me. I was put on anti-depressants which actually made me worse, I'd also lost my grandfather a little while before so add that to the anti-depressants that had an adverse effect and I had my worst attempt.
I'd finished my rage, passed out on the floor, then got up and put my best suit on and my grandfathers tie he left me. I cleaned my shoes, tidied myself up and walked approximately 2 miles to the nearest train line crossing, away from houses and roads and so on. I'd just missed the train by about 30 seconds, I sat in the middle of the tracks (facing away from where the train would come from), made piece with myself and just waited.
Eventually I walked home. A train didn't come and rather than having some epiphany or some incredible moment I just thought "fuck it, I can't be bothered to wait" and went home and cooled down.
All of that is after the childhood memory that became 'unblocked', but even before all that I'd had suicidal tendencies before. I had a toxic previous relationship with someone who knew my mental health more than I did, and preyed on it and prodded and poked it as if it was a game, pushing me into trying to crash my car into a truck and trying to jump out of a window. At that point I wasn't sure where these mental health issues came from.
But it can affect everyone. You don't need to be suffering from PTSD like me or other symptoms. Everyone is susceptible to depression in one form or another, someone you walk past in the street might be going through the same meticulous plans in their head and someone else may not think it over in such detail, but might see suicide as the only answer.
It is not the answer. The answer is to talk.
Talk to whoever will listen, anywhere. Online is a good place to start, build up the courage to speak to family and friends and remember the devastation such actions will cause in their lives. Suicide is NEVER a solution, it does NOT help anyone, it is not a quick resolution and not a cure and please if you're considering it or ever have considered it then remember this - if you're feeling suicidal then you're pretty much at the lowest point you can be right? That means it can and will get better.
Guys, blokes, men whatever we are and however you see yourself must be more open. Even if you're not necessarily suffering from depression or mental health, the will to commit suicide can creep up on us. It could be financial reasons, relationship reasons, social reasons and so on.
We as men are still in adhering to that male model of being men. Meaning we don't talk about feelings, we sort shit out. We look after our family and friends, we are there to be depended on, we don't show emotions to each other because it's a sign of weakness. We need to break from that mould.
I go to the gym as means of stress relief, I can bench more than my own bodyweight and go to martial arts twice a week. When I work out I feel like I can run through a wall. I can fix an engine. I know the building trade. I take the piss out of my mates and colleagues and have a laugh about football.
And I sit alone sometimes and weep at my past, I get suicidal thoughts (although not as strongly as before) and see a counsellor for help with my mental health. I read self help books and constantly search for answers as to when, if ever, I'll get better and this will all stop. I used to sit on the floor of my previous home in tears begging for someone, anyone to tell me what to do to get better. I searched for a magic pill that didn't exist that would fix me. I wanted to travel back in time and changed what happened to me in my childhood. My emotions run away with me. I sink into depression and lose hope. I find it difficult to snap out of the
isolation, the feeling of hopelessness. The darkness creeps over and I can't even see the tunnel, never mind the light at the end of it.
You see, it is as easy as that. We can be blokes and still talk about it. I'm not embarrassed, or ashamed. I don't feel weak or pathetic, or contagious, and neither should you.
Personally I'm much, much better these days, and the suicidal thoughts have subsided greatly. Thanks mainly to a truly outstanding private therapist (and not the NHS who I found terrible), as well as some online communities and thanks in a big part to Mind (http://www.mind.org.uk/) and Time To Change (http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/) for their open and frank social media posts given the strength to people like me to be open.
BE OPEN.
DO NOT BE ASHAMED.
IT'S OK TO TALK.
IT WILL GET BETTER.
