My last entry had 43 views, the one before that had 280. I'm not necessarily writing for anyone in particular aside from myself. There are thousands, if not millions of bloggers out there. Particularly in this day and age where mental health issues seem to be affecting more and more people. Everyone has a blog and a lot of people also write for and get promoted by pages like Time to Change. Obviously that is a very good thing. But this is more (for now) just me venting, and maybe helping one or two people along the way. What I would say is that there are a number of people that I'd like to think are still reading and taking this in. Certain people who should be bothered to do so. I would like to think that whilst the views have diminished recently, those that matter are going to stick with this as I keep working through everything.
Interaction is also important. Let me know what you think on Twitter/Facebook and so on - or that old fashioned method of having a conversation. Don't be embarrassed about approaching me for a chat or asking me about this blog. It's me fucking writing all this after all! That is in part what's inspired me to get this typed up. The fact that a close friend recently approached me for a brief chat about this topic, which is about 'Intrusive Thoughts'.
A quick word of warning, this blog entry might read as being pretty out there but I am being completely open and honest here. As such it is a length post. I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
It sounds like a slightly odd, weird phrase. The word intrusive itself is an uncomfortable sounding word. But there's one crucial thing to point out that may surprise you: everyone has them. Yes, even you who's recently become a friend/follower and is reading this out of curiosity. Yes, even you who is a model of healthy mind, body and spirit. All of us have them. Because they are simply unwanted thoughts.
However as per previous issues I've discussed, the difference between someone with good mental health and someone like me, for example, is the severity, duration, frequency and subject matter that they relate to. They're often related to post traumatic stress disorder (something I'll cover in depth another time), and that trauma can be absolutely anything. The thoughts often operate like a flashback, and it can feel as though your traumatic event is happening all over again right there and then. Obviously the more damaging and traumatic the event was, the more damaging and uncomfortable the intrusive thought might be. They can also be especially prevalent in those with other conditions such as OCD, and can be equally as upsetting.
These thoughts can be very briefly summarised as follows:
- Involuntary, distressing images, thoughts, or memories.
- Flashbacks or dissociative reactions where it seems as if the trauma is reoccurring.
- Distressing dreams and/or nightmares related in content or emotion to the trauma.
- Intense psychological distress at reminders of the trauma.
- Other intense physiological distress, often referred to as body memory or body cues.
As well as that very brief list there is another class of intrusive thoughts that are often called 'intrusive obsessive thoughts'. As before these thoughts seem to come out of nowhere and are often related to past trauma, or to other issues like heightened anxiety, OCD and so on. The content of intrusive obsessive thoughts is almost always focus on violent and sometimes sexual images.
This is why people often don't talk about intrusive thoughts. So many people have them, and so many people don't talk about them because they think it makes them sound absolutely batshit crazy. It's how the mind works, and for me personally I think it's an important subject to discuss. Intrusive and/or intrusive-obsessive thoughts can be very explicit, and most people are embarrassed and frightened of them.
So...
These are some brief typical examples of intrusive obsessive thoughts:
- Killing someone, or attacking someone randomly.
- Causing mass destruction somewhere.
- Torturing an animal.
- Throwing someone (or yourself) out of a window.
- Being sexually violent or inappropriate.
- Subjecting yourself to harm.
- Subjecting a loved one to harm.
That's not an exhaustive list and it's not necessarily my own exact list but it gives you an idea of the uncomfortable nature of them. On one hand it sounds slightly schizophrenic - like you're hearing voices telling you to do things. That's not what I'm saying as I hope you understand. I once genuinely feared I would act out my thoughts, to the point where I was ready to call the authorities and get myself locked up. I was fearful of causing immense harm to some random person for no reason at all and without provocation, that was before I understood that these are intrusive thoughts and images, as opposed to instructions. That itself is one of the greatest forms of stigma regarding this topic, and one of the biggest myths - that the fact you have fucked up intrusive thoughts must mean you're fucked up. That is not true. In fact the majority of people who have these thoughts are gentle, decent non violent people. Because the thoughts are intrusive, and unwelcome.
A further issue is that these thoughts (like so many other things) affect anxiety. They feed off each other and as the severity and duration of the thought increases so too does your anxiety. Fear about the likelihood of one of the thoughts becoming true increases, despite the upsetting nature of them, but that upsetting, threatening and dangerous nature of them keeps feeding the anxiety and panic. A vicious circle.
Remember these next points:
- Your intrusive thoughts do not make you.
- Your intrusive thoughts are not impulses or instructions.
- The content doesn't matter (yes, you did read that right).
- You will not act on them.
- You can ignore them, manage them and make them go away.
People often want an instruction on how to deal with them. Or an explanation as to why it's happening to them. Or reassurance that they aren't insane. That's the anxiety talking again. The thought that these images are real or could become so. What you need to do is manage your reaction to them. Partially to do with managing anxiety, and partially just managing your own response.
Tell yourself that the content, no matter how disturbing, is irrelevant. Don't try to logically explain away your thoughts as this will only feed them. Instead, remember they are nonsense. You can safely ignore them and let them go away on their own. Take a moment to breathe, relax and manage your emotional response. Don't let your brain spiral further into more complex thoughts. Try to carry on with your day as normal.
And TALK about them.
As I said right at the top, a huge number of people have these thoughts. They just vary in intensity and duration depending on the source or mental health condition of the person at the time. But be open. Don't embrace the thoughts but realise they are simply your anxiety acting on triggers and/or memories.
Relax.
Breathe.
Talk.
